Mimetic Desire: Tell me what you want, what you really really want.
How will you spice up your life?
For the past two months, I’ve been consumed by the concept of mimetic desire. I keep reading about it, I keep thinking about it, and I keep turning back to articles from Luke Burgis, who has written an entire book on it. I want to share some of my learnings with you and get your thoughts on the topic - does it make your brain buzz as much as it has mine?
Generally, we tend to believe that we innately want what we want. We want things, we need things, our brain thinks of them and thus we should work towards attaining them. Our desires just make sense to us, and we don’t always stop to pause and question our intentions. French philosopher René Girard calls this way of thinking “the romantic lie.”
According to Girard’s philosophy, our desires derive from other people (or ‘models’) who show us what is worth wanting, without even knowing it. We mimic what other people want, hence the term ‘mimetic.’
Instinctively, this might feel like wanting an LED face mask after seeing your friend with phenomenally dewy skin using it, wanting a certain sofa after seeing someone with a chic and picturesque life post about it, or wanting a dream job occupied by some person who seems to carry prestige and cache. There might be something about these people, whether they’re ones you know or aspirational strangers (Girard has a framework for the proximity of our models, too), that makes us feel as if they’ve got something figured out, as if they’re farther along on life’s path than us.
“We would like our desires to come from our deepest selves, our personal depths… but if it did, it would not be desire. Desire is always for something we feel we lack.” - René Girard
But deep down, those desires are not even about those tangible things, e.g. the face mask or the sofa, or even the job. Objects and purchases will never truly fulfill desire, however fun they may be. Desires are rooted in some way of life or identity that we aspire towards. That gorgeous sofa might get me closer to that dreamy country home and slow lifestyle that accompanies it. It might get me time to lounge around and luxuriate on it. Who doesn’t want to luxuriate?
We like to believe our choices as consumers are ways to express ourselves. Deep down, however, I think many of the things I desire are things that women I look up to have. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, but it challenges the notion that our choices are a matter of self-expression, if what we truly what is to aspire to some assembly of different models in our lives. There’s even something beautifully communal about that: we look to others to guide us in life in tiny and big ways! But now, there’s something stirring within me now when I start to feel the pangs of desire — why do I want this? Do I actually want this thing for some utility in my life or do I want it because possessing this thing makes me feel closer to a lifestyle that’s currently out of my reach?
I like these questions. I like asking myself why about a million times (check out the 5 Why’s, it always helps me get to the root of problems). I like connecting my desires to people and intangible qualities. It makes quashing those desires a lot easier, it’s easier to say no to something when I realize that it won’t get me any closer to that lifestyle I want. This is all particularly helpful given that social media is massive multiplier for mimetic desire. Thirty years ago, my models might’ve been Michael Jordan, Christiana Amanpour, and TLC’s Left Eye (Ed note: These were my role models growing up), but now I’m inundated with potential models on a daily basis in the palm of my hand. Beyond social media, there are news platforms and websites that curate models for us to emulate in small and big ways. It’s overwhelming.
I’m curious for your thoughts on this topic and if this is something that consumes you. There’s an in-depth piece in Psyche by (who else) Luke Burgis that has some key points to help understand what you truly want, and to get free from the cycle of mimetic desire.
I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on this, and in the meantime, I’ll be listening to my friend Gala’s song that many European consumers and/or soccer fans will know by heart — it’s perfect for this very topic.
Definitely have been consumed by this new constant desire I’ve been facing because of social media! All these desires I DO have for these different lifestyles now seem so accessible because of this, but it has caused some confusion about what I really want !